families.

i find it hilarious that i endured 2 years of constant stress, headache, & intense mental labor to earn a master's degree (msw) that i've never professionally used. alas, i do put my education to use everyday in my interactions with others, mostly, my kids. my sole goal in life is to raise happy physically/spiritually/emotionally/mentally healthy children that positively contribute to society. is that so much? one quality i focus most on is family. i want my boys to have strong bonds with each other & with their parents. during my schooling i came across plenty of theories regarding family. every time i came across i quality that is believed to contribute to strong family bonds i would add it to my list. since then, i've added a few qualities that i personally believe to be important. i refer back to this list often to make sure that my parenting is on track. i really really hope to nurture & encourage a strong watkins family.

on dating

sometimes i write blog posts specifically to my sons for future reference. they are thoughts i have now that i don't want to forget to share with them later (ok, to be totally honest, since my near-death-accident i'm a little paranoid that i won't always be there for them. and i want to have these words written down in case i'm not here to tell them later.) so feel free to skip this post.

dating is a tricky thing. and doing it right is difficult. but it is honestly, the most important thing you will ever do. because how you date will dictate who you date. and who you date will become your wife. and who your wife is will determine your future family and so forth and so on. so date wisely. here are a few expectations i have for you when it comes to dating:

1. always ask a girl on a date. straight forward & direct. and always ask in person. if that just isn't possible than ask over the phone. never, i mean never, ask a girl on a date through a text, instant message, or email.

2. always take a girl out on a date. none of this "let's hang out at my place & watch a movie" nonsense. i expect you to pick her up & take her somewhere. it doesn't have to be fancy or ellaborate or immenseley creative. sometimes the best dates are simple, like a picnic in the park. you should always make sure you take her somewhere that she will feel comfortable at & enjoy.

3. open the car door for your date. open all doors for your date.

4. pay for your date. no questions asked. your father & i will make sure that you always have money for your dates. do not ever split the bill.

5. walk to the door to pick your date up. never text from the car, or worst yet, honk! and always walk your date to the door at the end of the night.

6. use your good senses when it comes to kissing. don't kiss every girl but don't be afraid to kiss the right girl.

7. listen to your date. the best dates involve getting to know the other person so take your date somewhere that will allow you to talk. ask her questions & share insight about yourself. the purpose of dating is to find someone you could spend your future with. so the longer you date a person the more you should get to know her.

8. always make your intentions clear. if you aren't feeling a girl than end it. don't string her along. it may hurt her for a minute but she will appreciate your honesty. and if you are feeling a connection than let her know. a girl loves clarity. it will make the whole dating process easier if you follow this one simple rule.

9. date around. but only seriously date one girl at a time. once you've found a girl you are interested in going exclusive with than be faithful. always, always be faithful. if you decide things aren't working out or you meet someone else you'd like to get to know refer back to rule #8.

10. be physical. the right way. hold hands, put your arm around her shoulders or eventually her waist, kiss her head, put your hand on her knee, these sweet gestures speak volumes & make a woman feel cared for. going too far physically only confuses the relationship & it can never be undone.

11. handle her heart with care. women are strong, much stronger than men. but they are also delicate. don't ruin that. do not be responsible for hardening a woman's heart.

12. get to know her family & friends. and let your family & friends get to know her. especially me.

13. when the time comes, tell her you love her, a lot. in fact, tell her all sorts of nice things. everyone deserves to be complimented.

14. serve her. not like a waiter more like perform acts of service for her. make her breakfast, take out her trash, offer her your jacket when she's cold, you get the point.

15. surprise her. again, a little can go a long way. just stick with small surprises. bring her a case of her favorite soda, pick her flowers, or show up at her work for a surprise lunch date.

16. never underestimate the power of the written word. as nice as it is to hear good things it's even better to have them written down so you can refrence back to them. you should write letters or notes to your love often.

17. when the time is right & you've found that special someone get down on one knee & ask her those 4 special words.

**my boys & i have started dating. once they hit 5 i take them on regular dates. we have fun but the whole purpose is to teach them how to date.

honest.

i really, really try to always be honest.  i hate lying.  i do everything i can to avoid telling a fib while still being positive & uplifting.  sometimes this can be very hard.  i strain to find something true & complimentary to say.  usually, i can come up with something good to focus on, because in most every thing there is at least an ounce of good.  sometimes it's just impossible.  in those cases i try to put a sunny spin on the painful truth.  and you know what really irks me?  when i go through all this effort trying to preserve someone's confidence & feelings & they continue to pester me with questions regarding the ugly truth i am trying to avoid.  i feel like just screaming out how bad their situation is.  but that just wouldn't be polite.  so i bite my tongue.  because it isn't my goal to go correcting everyone or pointing out their errors.  no, it's my goal to make others feel good about the situation that they are in while giving them an ounce of constructive advice.  because that's what truly matters. one time i was in a dilemma.  my friend was in a hard situation & i didn't know what to tell her.  my dad gave me some advice that has stuck with me ever since.  he said, "ask yourself this before you say anything:  is it honest? is it true? is it necessary?" so i try to let that be my guiding beacon in all conversation.  and i hope that as my boys grow they can do the same.  honest & positive.  that's the key.

chivalry...dead?

i read this article the other day (on a side note, isn't babble fab?).  it made me think.  and reflect.  and remember what  my true goal in life is.  to raise 3 gentlemen. so in answer to my own question, is chivalry dead?  i say no, not in this house.
i expect more from my boys than society's current standards. simply stated, there is a lack of gentlemen & ladies in the world today.  sometimes i think i was born in the wrong era.  oh, how i would have loved to be a feisty yet, proper doris day courted by a witty yet, chivalrous rock hudson.  really, we could use some more of that good ol' fashion respect, virtue, courtesy, and all around good behavior.  and principles.  whatever happened to those? i don't believe that women are necessarily weaker than men.  i am more-or-less a feminist.  i don't believe that women need men's assistance.  but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be offered help. i like to think of myself as an independent, mostly self-reliant woman.  but i love when a door is held open for me or an open seat is offered.  does it make me weak because i allow a man to hold a door open?  absolutely not.  that is just silly.
back to my point, i expect my sons to be gentlemen & i will settle for nothing less.  i understand that they wont be perfect & they will error in their own ways.  i get that.  but they will still try. currently, they are taught to let girls go first, treat women with respect, & open doors for ladies.  as they grow they will learn more of the proper ways to treat females.   especially, those that they decide to pursue relationships with.  and if they are ever present on a sinking ship (heaven forbid) i expect that they assist the women & children aboard lifeboats before they reserve a seat for themselves.  

mommies of sons

i came across this link via pinterest.  it melted my heart.  these words are so simple, so true, & so easily forgotten.  so i condensed the 25 rules into 15 reminders that i wanted to keep on my mind forever.  i printed them up & hung them in my closet (right next to my favorite of coop's art work & some touching quotes).  

1. teach him the words for how he feels.  Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment.  He'll cry from fear and bite out of excitement.  Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference.  Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion.  Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief.

2. be a cheerleader for his life.  There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games.  There is no doubt that he will tell you to "stop, mom" when you sing along to his garage band's lyrics.  There is no doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from boy scouts.  He will tell you to stop.  He will say he's embarrassed.  But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.

3. read to him and read with him.  Emilie Buchwald said, "Children become readers on the laps of their parents."  Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books.  Let him see you reading...reading the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles.  

4. encourage him to dance.  It doesn't have to be good.  Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it's perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move. 

5. make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.  The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth.  But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).

6. make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.  The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and Britney Spears) will surround your son from birth.  But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).

7.  be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, & integrity.  You already are all of those things. 

8. teach him to have manners because its nice.  and it will make the world a little better of a place.

9. give him something to believe in.  Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won't be able to be there.  Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never.

10. teach him that there are times to be gentle like with babies, & flowers, & animals, & other people's feelings.

11. let him lose.  Losing sucks.  Everybody isn't always a winner.  He doesn't feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed.  And that's a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids.  This practice will do him good later when he loses again.  Instead make sure he understands that-sometimes you win-sometimes you lose. But that doesn't mean you ever give up.

12. give him opportunities to help others.  There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help.  Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities.  Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together. 

13. answer him when he asks, "why?".  Answer him, or search for the answer together.  Show him the places to look for the answers (like his grandparents, or his books, or valid internet searches).  Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself.  Someday, when he needs to ask questions he's too embarrassed to ask you - he'll know where to go to find the right answers.

14. kiss him.  Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet.  They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day.  But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender.  So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, 'what happens in between that made you lose that?'  Let's try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they're loving and kissing them even more when they're wild.  Kissing them when they're 2 months and kissing them when they're 16 years old.  You're the mom - you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets - and make sure he knows it.   p.s. (this one is just as important for dad's too). 

15. be home base.  You are home to him.  When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back.  When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile.  When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you're the only one who will listen that many times.  When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands.  When he is sick, he will call you.  When he really messes up, he will call you.  When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious.  Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun.  Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.

for the boys.

so you may have noticed a new re-occuring theme on this blog.  it's a segment i have going called "for the boys".  the main purpose:  to make sure my boys know what i think about life.  so if anything ever happens to me they will still learn the life lessons i always intended them to.  i think it's a result of a near death experience i had.  i am ever aware of the fact that life is short & precious.  i understand how quickly it can be snatched away.  and should that ever happen to me i want to be prepared.  i want to know that i didn't leave my sons completely empty handed.  most of all, i want them to know how much i love them & how much thought i put into parenting.  because, when it's all said & done, there lives are my legacy.  what they do & don't do will be all that mattered about who i was.  

so sorry.

i don't understand people who hold grudges.  really, what's the point?  i'm sure there are plenty of people who maintain ill feelings towards me regarding mistakes i made in the past & i honestly don't know or care.  i like to forgive people & move on.  mostly, because i like to give people the benefit of the doubt.  the truth is, we all try to do good.  and we all mess up.  and we all try to do better.  i'm no better than anyone else.  my mistakes & weaknesses may be different than yours but that doesn't make one of us better than the other.  so if we are equals what right do any of us have to hold judgement over another.  only 2 beings have the right.  also, i'm not here to judge the intent behind others' action or their feelings.  that's not my place.  so i assume that whoever wronged me did it unintentionally & they are sorry.  even if they don't apologize.  of course, i do like when they apologize & we are able to resolve the issue together.  lastly, i partly don't hold grudges, because i am a bit selfish.  i don't care enough about most people to give them that much thought.  i move on & forget about it.  i have more important things to devote my time & energy to than ill will towards others.  when you hold a grudge you really are only hurting yourself.  you are allowing sour emotions to stir over something that you can't change.  just get over it.  i like to think that i'm cool with everyone.  there really isn't anyone that i don't like.  that having been said, there are plenty of people that i like to avoid.  but that's cool with me, too.  i just like to keep most people on a neutral ground.  my advice:  if there's something that someone did that's nagging you, forget about it.  get on  with your life & focus on what really matters.  and if that doesn't work, then contact the person & resolve the problem with them.  i promise you'll both feel better in the end.  oh, & when you do something wrong.  just say your sorry.  it's that simple.  words from the wise.

quantity vs. quality

i'm a quality kind of person.  i like things, every thing, to possess high quality.  call me stuck-up, i call it smartly selective.  i wasn't always this way.  (hence, why my facebook friend list hit 800 before i wised up & went on a deleting spree.)   i think that with maturity i have developed a desire to surround myself with the best of the best.  this concept goes back to that whole moderation post i wrote a while back.  i just don't have the time or desire to take on every thing so if i am going to put effort into something it better be good.  this applies to objects as well as to people.  when i am out shopping i look for things that will last.  i like timeless pieces that won't fade with the latest trends & that possess high quality.  i call it investing.  i'd rather spend more money on one classic well-made dress from anthropologie than spend the same amount of money on 4 trendy pieces from forever21 that i will just have to replace in 2 months time.  i don't like clutter so if something is going to buy space in my house it needs to be good.  along the same lines, i would also rather have one reliable apple computer that costs a bit more than purchase a gateway that will give me more hassle than it's worth.  i like quality.  i am also so absorbed with the concept of quality that i don't let price tags fool me.  i pride myself on finding grade-a pieces that come at a low cost. but let's move away from the superficial subject of things & talk about people for a moment.  i like quality people.  (i'm strickly talking about the type of person they are on the inside.  i don't care for people who are dramatic or catty or selfish or superficial or mean or people that complain or bully.  i'd never limit my friends due to their outward qualities such as appearance or finances.  in fact, in college guys would allows ask me why i didn't hang out with more "hot" girls & i'd tell them that i didn't like most "hot" girls because they were shallow & stuck up.  these are the kind of people that I avoid.)  i try to surround myself with people that have the same interest & morals as me & that i truly enjoy being around.  i like people that are uplifting & inspire me to be a better person.  i like friendships that go both ways; i'm there for you & you're there for me.  i prefer to keep my contact list short & sweet.  there are only a few people i call regularly & even fewer people that i make time to see.  i'd actually prefer to be alone than be in the company of people i don't much care for.  now don't get me wrong, i am genuinely polite to just about everyone that comes my way; i just devote that extra effort to become friends with a select few people.  this is precisely why i build friendships that last.  i invest my time with quality folks & i stick by them.  it's like they say, you get what you put into it.  if you spend a little extra on the people & things in your life you will win in the end.

moderation

moderation.  this is the key to my sanity.  i do most everything in moderation.  not too little but not too much.  time is an issue when raising two kids in a constantly-on-the-go lifestyle & having high aspirations in all categories.  it's this lukewarm commitment that allows me to get everything on my to-do list checked off & still have time to play thundercats.  now let me clarify, i am not at all moderate instead i am extremely commited to my family, my friends, & my God.  my moderate attitude applies mostly to my personal interests & goals.  some people prefer to excel in a few categories, i prefer to take on a lot of interests & perform them well.  i'm okay with a less than perfect result.

i work out moderately & i eat healthy moderately.  i am not opposed to taking a week off from excersize & my sweets drawer is continuously needing to be replenished.  i scrapbook, blog, & journal keep in moderation.  i make time to shower & get ready every day but i never spend more than 45 minutes in my beauty routine.  i probably shop more than i should but i watch prices & never spend more than i should.  i love to read but i balance it timewise by watching only a little tv.  my house is never dirty but never overly clean.  i clean a little piece most everyday so as to never get overwhelmed (moderation at it's finest).  i love crafting but i have a rule, my crafts cannot be too time consuming.  i pretty much always find a way to do a craft in about two-thirds the recommended time.  the end product may not be as fine as intended but it's a balance & i'm always satisfied by the result.  i cook most days but i'm not afraid to throw on a bertolli's or reserve a table at p.f. changs in exchange for a little more backyard soccer with my boys.  i like my boys to eat healthy but we are known to have oreo shakes just about everynight.  i am also germ conscious but i have no problem letting my boys play in the dirt (it's mostly public restrooms that i have an issue with).  our laundry is done every week & i try to save every piece but if something involves too much scrubbing it gets tossed in the trash.  i love party planning & having company over.  i put an emphasis on details & love coordinating everything.  in my opinion our social events are always a success.  but i am not the type to spend hours upon hours concocting the perfect menu & design.  i feel that my family is well dressed but not at all over the top.  we are moderate.

yes, my friends, moderation is the reason i have reason.  my a.d.d. makes it difficult for me to stay focused on any one task for too long.  i do a little of this before moving on to a little of that.  and in the end i am happy.  i feel productive & rarely overwhelmed.  i get a lot done & i always have plenty of time for the things that truly matter in my life.  so when you are feeling a little swamped ask yourself if what your doing is a little over the top & if so then put it down & go fly a kite.  that's my theory.